Sunday, March 24, 2013
I'm Looking At The [Wo]man In The Mirror
I'm in a bit of a weight loss slump. *HMPH!!!* I've lost no weight in almost two weeks, despite eating under my calories and working out...A LOT. Still no budge on the scale. Maybe I'm gaining muscle? It's got to take some serious muscle power to pull and propel the current incarnation of my figure through the water a half mile, five times a week. I see my body slimming down, but still the scale isn't budging. Sure I can work out more and make more diet adjustments.... My husband seems to think I've hit a mini-plateau, and that I've just got to power through it. Logical part of my brain totally believes him, crazy part of my brain just sees myself as a big f-ing failure. Given ammunition and fuel, the crazy part of my brain can be one hell of a destructive gremlin, and must be held at bay.
Strange enough, this isn't what's really bothering me. It's appropriately dealing with what I'm seeing in the mirror and how I'm feeling inside and how I articulate that to the world at large. It's one thing to say it here: just type what I want, hit publish, and wait for the inter webs to respond or not respond, and that's great...but it's the one on one interaction is another thing. Talking about weight loss can be tricky. I've lost almost 50 pounds in a little less than a year. I am more proud of this and the work that I'm doing to make more happen than ANYTHING I've ever done in my life, and there are some things I'm damned proud of in my little time on this planet so far. What I wish I could do is this, "Yes. I have lost A LOT of weight (and even though I'm still currently over weight, I HAVE lost a lot), I'm SO FUCKING PROUD of myself, it's taken a great deal of hard work and hasn't always been easy by any stretch of the imagination, I'm actually starting to like what I see in the mirror, and I'm turning into a stronger version of myself both physically and mentally."
I want to say this, but I don't... I say parts of it, or downplay how I really feel, or ask leading questions. I do this because I feel like it's a more "socially acceptable" way of dealing with my weight loss success than being a braggart. Yes, I realize that this is more than a little screwed up. What would be REALLY screwed up is if I kept it ALL internalized.
This whole journey is very emotional for me, and I don't like people see me (metaphorically) sweat. I feel like big girls (read adult) should cry in private, not in public. How can I keep my shit together and be emotionally overjoyed at the same time without coming across as categorical bat-shit!?
This is what I'm doing right now, working on loosing weight and my part time job (which I love). My friends have families, children, working on terminal degrees, contemplating moves across country, have super-stressful jobs with insane hours and are changing children's lives. "All" I'm doing is loosing weight (that I myself packed on) - why should that deserve any care from them?
I have to be OK with saying what I want about what I'm doing, and then the possibility of not getting the response I want. In all reality this is a lot better than just keeping my own feelings bottled up inside. That gets toxic...quickly.
This is not to say that my friends have not been supportive, they have, and I love them dearly for that. I'm just holding back how I feel about myself. All I want is to be able to sit down, look my closest friends and tell them how INSANELY proud I am of myself and how much work all of this is for me. Ironically, doing that very thing has proven to be the hardest part of the journey thus far.