Words of Wisdom v 1.0

I love motivational quotes and sayings, so I thought it would be great to start a series of these on No Disassemble Charlie No. 5. You know, ones that relation to the journey and motivation of weight loss. Ironacally enough, we'll be starting off with a Bible verse. I'm not particularly religious (if you're that curious about my beliefs...just ask) but this has verse ha been on a virtual stickie note on my laptop's desktop for about five years now...

 "I am a unique creation of the Master Creator.

The experienced potter may find that in working different clays, a shape not previously considered emerges. A seeming flaw in the developing product helps potters shape something totally unique and equally as useful—a work of art.

We, too, are all works of art, created by our Creator. What we ourselves may perceive as a flaw is a part of our uniqueness. We are each a one-of-a-kind work of art, endowed with strength and beauty, purpose and meaning.

Let us then choose to believe that we are created equal and that there are no flaws in ourselves or others. Every day, we are given opportunities to grow beyond who we were the day before. We then make the best use of our time and talents, and we have the wisdom to accept ourselves and others as creations of the Master Creator, for indeed we are.

“My grace is sufficient for you, for power is made perfect in weakness.”—" - 2 Corinthians 12:9

[S]he's Going The Distance, [S]he's Going For Speed

 And by distance I mean 1/2 a mile, and by speed I mean in less than an hour.  Last night I signed up the Swim Across America Nantasket Beach Swim on July 13! The Boston Chapter of S.A.A. raises money for both the Dana-Farber Cancer Institute and the Perini Quality of Life Clinic. More on that later.

Nantasket Beach

I'm beyond excited about this! I spent SO MUCH time at the beach crowing up and my parents couldn't get me out of the water, and it was GROSS water...if you grey up in SETX, you know what I'm talking about! If you would have asked me a year ago if I would willingly be jumping into the Atlantic Ocean and swimming for a 1/2 mile, I would have laughed at you hysterically. I love what all this exercise and weight loss is doing for my confidence and gumption. I never knew there was this inner athlete just dying to emerge.

I have just about four months to get ready. During the backstroke portion of my swim today I made a mental list of things that need to get done.

1) Train for both endurance and speed - I'm easily swimming a 1/2 mile at 40 minutes, with minimal breaks to catch my breath. I swim slower than I know I can right now because I'm REALLY working on good, clean technique to prevent injury in the future. I can start spending some of my workouts building speed.

2) Getting some open water swims in - I'm pretty sure I can't just jump into the Charles River or the Boston Harbor with either an arrest or my mug on news...maybe both. So, trips to Walden Pond and Nantasket Beach itself. Swimming in open water will be different. There's no black line at the bottom of the pool to guide me. My guide will either be the other swimmers around me or a point on land. This means my face is going to be out of the water more. My comforatable free style stoke is to breathe on every third stroke and face very much to the side when I breathe. That COULD work depending on waves and the tide and whatnot, but I can't count on it. I'll have to start playing with breathing on every other stroke or even *grumble, grumble* every stroke. There's also the option of a modified breaststroke where you just keep your eyes barely about water which I think would work VERY well for me. The name of the game in the have options and be adaptable. It's an ocean, not a pool.

3) Wardrobe - Yes wardrobe. Again, I'm swimming in an ocean, not a pool. Even though it will be July I'm not counting on the ocean to be toasty, and I'm going to be in it for awhile. It's not like I can just jump out if I'm cold. The point is to swim, and I'd have to you know...swim to shore. Also in the ocean are our Ocean Friends....you know....jellyfish, rays, fishies, Jaws.  (There's also floating seaweed that can be damned scratchy and have things trapped in it.) Now, I'm not really all that scared of Jaws eating me, but I will have nothing shiny on my body that would make me look like a human fishing lure. Jellyfish actually concern me. Not getting flat out stung by a jellyfish, but getting zapped by a nematocyte on a broken off tentacle. So I'm thinking either a triathlon suit or a wet suit. Right now I'm leaning towards a triathlon suit. Click this link for what I'm thinking. Then there's my feet. The beach I grew up at you lost sight of you feet once the water was up to you ankles. (No I'm not exaggerating.) I always had to wear shoes when I was in the water. Now that just weights your fee down. So I'm thinking some neoprene swim socks like these.

4) Fundraise - To be able to swim in this event, I need to be able to raise at least $250. I'm shooting for $500. I'll be swimming this race in honor of my father, who had a bout with tongue cancer and in memory of my mother in law who we lost in her second battle with breast cancer. Making a donation is simple just follow this link and click on "Support Kathleen". I thank everyone in advance for their support, both monetarily and emotionally! For those of my more social media inclined friends, please feel free to share my fundraising page or this blog post on your facebook, twitter, or own personal blog.

I'm sure this is going to be a long, yet fun and rewarding journey all while doing some good for a worthy cause. I promise to keep you all updated along the way.

Make Mine Music

Is that not the cutest cat image...EVER!?!?!? Moving on...my past two entries have been a bit on the heavier side - subject mater wise. So today, I wanted to do something lighter: a list of my favorite Ass-kicking, Confidence Building, Soul Affirming songs (40 of them to be exact). Two degrees and one performance diploma in clarinet gets you a list of some deliciously diverse pop songs!

Here they are, in no particular order.....
(...don't forget to enjoy the YouTube links!)

1) Lose Yourself by Eminem: How can this song NOT get you 400 kinds of pumped up. I remember I used to listen to this while I was getting ready for Juries (read private lesson finals).

2) On Top of The World by Imagine Dragons: This is just so damned celebratory! How can it not make you feel good about well...EVERYTHING!?!?!

3) Ready or Not by Bridgit Mendler: This song always plays during my Barre Blast class. It's infectiously bubbly and pure pop goodness.

4) It's a Long Way to the Top (If You Wanna Rock 'N' Roll) by AC/DC: "I'll tell you folks / it's a lot harder than it looks." Great sentiment for an journey or challenge, and it's freaking AC/DC!

5) Epic by Faith No More: Just because it is.

6) It's My Life by No Doubt: This cover came out during a very traumatic time in my life. I used to HATE it with a fiery-fiery passion. I would scream every time I heard it and demand it be turned off. A few months ago something finally flipped an it has become my own little anthem of personal perseverance.

7) Let's Have a Kiki by Scissor Sister: No matter how much ass-kicking and confidence you've got going on, life's just going to get to you. In instances like that, they know EXACTLY what you need....

8) How You Like Me Now by The Heavy: This is James Brown struttin' down the street, middle finger up in the air. Enough said.

9) Head Like a Hole by Nine Inch Nails: This has always been a very, "get your mind in the zone" type of song.

10) Can't Hold Us Down by Christina Aguilera featuring Lil' Kim: The album Stripped is one of my favorite albums...ever - true story. This song makes me feel all kinds off bad ass with a double side of sass! I love this it tackles the sexual double standard with some "dope rhymes" Thanks Lil' Kim!

11) Free Your Mind by En Vogue: To me, this is the ULTIMATE Diva song! If I'm in the mood to get a little sexy sway on, this playing in my ear buds FOR SURE! *Free your mind and the rest will follow* Words to live by!

12) It's Time by Imagine Dragons: A happy and deliciously infectious was to get myself off my ass.

13) I Don't Give A by Madonna featuring Nicki Minaj: For tuning out the rest of the world, doing your own thing, just not giving a care in a positive way.

14) Ruff Ryders' Anthem by DMX: This song reminds me of undergrad. I like DMX way more than a lily white girl probably should. So incredibly testosterone laden...how can it not get you 400 kinds of pumped up!?!?

15) A Good Day's Work by Deb Talan: Cuddling sonic affirmations. Plus there's actually clarinet in there!

16) Hold On by Wilson Phillips: I'm old enough to remember this song when originally was released, but I was THRILLED (and was laughing so hard I was crying) when it made its way into the end of Bridesmaids.  Cheesy? Oh hell yes! Good to belt out into your hairbrush for some life affirming, confidence boosting catharsis? Abso-fucking-lutely!!!

17) Firework by Katy Perry: Ms. Perry holds a special place in my marriage. Wait...that sounds WAY weirder than it actually is! This song boots both my confidence and my desire to wear outfits that resemble characters in Candy Land. I've found myself singing this into my flat iron plenty of times.

18) Kashmir by Led Zeppelin: One word - EPIC! Last thing I listen to before I swim.

19) 'Till I Collapse by Eminem & Nate Dogg: How does Eminem know EXACTLY to keep my ass going?

20) Carry On by Fun.: I do really good until the lyric, *may your past be the sound / of your feet upon the ground / carry on* then I'm a blithering mess of tears...mixed with a little steely eyed angst.

21) Hall of Fame by The Script featuring will.i.am: I heard this song on an episode of The Biggest Loser. I reacted instantly with tears and KNEW I had to download it. If this song doesn't appeal to you one SOME level, than I question if you actually have a pulse. Best lyric? *You can walk straight through Hell with a smile.*

22) Fighter by Christina Aguilera: Saying thank you to our adversaries in the most bad-ass of ways.

23) Scream by Michael & Janet Jackson: My favorite middle finger song.

24) Stronger (What Doesn't Kill You) by Kelly Clarkson: I've found myself almost singing this out loud on the T. Side note...this song sounds like it's about a romantic relationship gone bad, but it doesn't have to be...

25) Girl on Fire by Alicia Keys: This has turned into my little "theme song" for the journey I'm on. I love that the song goes through a woman's journey. If you listen to the Inferno Remix, and Nicki Manaj's opening rap, this journey started for me a LONG time ago.

26) Hearts on Fire by John Cafferty: Best of all the songs from any of the Rocky movies, hands down! It it's good enough to help Rocky beat Drago, it's good enough for your to beat whatever you're up again. Most. Motivational. Song. EVER!

27) Survivor by Destiny's Child: No explanation needed.

28) Warrior by Ke$ha: I love the glitter and trashbag-edness that is Ke$ha! This song makes me want to box. Don't know why. It just does.

29) Extraordinary by Liz Phair: *Average, Everyday, Sane, Psycho, Super goddess* Can I be all those things, please?

30) Vanity by Christina Aguilera: Thank you to my darling Pretty Pretty Princess for turning me on to this song. The first line says it all...and then some!

31) Fly by Nicki Minaj & Rihanna: This song makes you want to just lay on your back with arms outstretched and then get up and go kick some serious ass once its over.

32) Dream On by Aerosmith: How could this song NOT be on this list?

33) Immigrant Song by Led Zepplin: Simply rock.

34) Bulls On Parade by Rage Against the Machine: This list would be completely incomplete without some Rage. Plus there's my crush on Tom Morello. Also remember, it is the music of my people.

35) Mama Said Knock You Out by LL Cool J: This lady DOES love Cool James. Also, this makes me want to hit things in a very constructive workout-y way. It works!

36) Killing In The Name by Rage Against the Machine: More Rage. More leftist testosterone laden rock! Do I need to explain anymore why this works for me?

37) Thunderstuck by AC/DC: This makes me want to rumble. If I rumbled. You get my point.

38) Crazy Bitch by Buckcherry: Have we met?

39) You Can Do It by Ice Cube: Song for the best dance scene in all of moviedom! (Save The Last Dance) And just remember, *you can do it / put back/ass into it*!

40) Best of You by Foo Fighters: Great song to end with to make you think! *Were you born to resist or be abused?...I swear I'll never give in / I refuse.*

I'm Looking At The [Wo]man In The Mirror

I'm in a bit of a weight loss slump. *HMPH!!!* I've lost no weight in almost two weeks, despite eating under my calories and working out...A LOT. Still no budge on the scale. Maybe I'm gaining muscle? It's got to take some serious muscle power to pull and propel the current incarnation of my figure through the water a half mile, five times a week. I see my body slimming down, but still the scale isn't budging. Sure I can work out more and make more diet adjustments.... My husband seems to think I've hit a mini-plateau, and that I've just got to power through it. Logical part of my brain totally believes him, crazy part of my brain just sees myself as a big f-ing failure. Given ammunition and fuel, the crazy part of my brain can be one hell of a destructive gremlin, and must be held at bay.

Strange enough, this isn't what's really bothering me. It's appropriately dealing with what I'm seeing in the mirror and how I'm feeling inside and how I articulate that to the world at large. It's one thing to say it here: just type what I want, hit publish, and wait for the inter webs to respond or not respond, and that's great...but it's the one on one interaction is another thing. Talking about weight loss can be tricky. I've lost almost 50 pounds in a little less than a year. I am more proud of this and the work that I'm doing to make more happen than ANYTHING I've ever done in my life, and there are some things I'm damned proud of in my little time on this planet so far. What I wish I could do is this, "Yes. I have lost A LOT of weight (and even though I'm still currently over weight, I HAVE lost a lot), I'm SO FUCKING PROUD of myself, it's taken a great deal of hard work and hasn't always been easy by any stretch of the imagination, I'm actually starting to like what I see in the mirror, and I'm turning into a stronger version of myself both physically and mentally."

I want to say this, but I don't... I say parts of it, or downplay how I really feel, or ask leading questions. I do this because I feel like it's a more "socially acceptable" way of dealing with my weight loss success than being a braggart. Yes, I realize that this is more than a little screwed up. What would be REALLY screwed up is if I kept it ALL internalized.

This whole journey is very emotional for me, and I don't like people see me (metaphorically) sweat. I feel like big girls (read adult) should cry in private, not in public. How can I keep my shit together and be emotionally overjoyed at the same time without coming across as categorical bat-shit!?

This is what I'm doing right now, working on loosing weight and my part time job (which I love). My friends have families, children, working on terminal degrees, contemplating moves across country, have super-stressful jobs with insane hours and are changing children's lives. "All" I'm doing is loosing weight (that I myself packed on) - why should that deserve any care from them?

I have to be OK with saying what I want about what I'm doing, and then the possibility of not getting the response I want. In all reality this is a lot better than just keeping my own feelings bottled up inside. That gets toxic...quickly.

This is not to say that my friends have not been supportive, they have, and I love them dearly for that. I'm just holding back how I feel about myself. All I want is to be able to sit down, look my closest friends and tell them how INSANELY proud I am of myself and how much work all of this is for me. Ironically, doing that very thing has proven to be the hardest part of the journey thus far.

Thanks For Making Me A Fighter (Why Swimming Reminds Me of the Clarinet)

 

Cue the Christina Aguilera, cause I know you want to! But in all seriousness, I love a good fight. I've always thought that the best fights are the ones that one has with themselves. This is where I find myself: in the constant fight to move more and eat less. Am I prepared for this? Actually way more than I really thought.

"Do your work." The simple words of a favorite mentor somehow worked their way into my head space as I was swimming yesterday. I gigged to myself...mo matter how hard the work in the pool feels, I'm still having fun! I haven't experienced that type of fun (excluding drinking, shopping, and you know...other things) since playing the clarinet started to get "complicated". Perhaps I'm onto something here...

In the past, I had never really gotten the music/sports connection. Well duh, Kathleen! Were there any sports you were passionate about? There's the difference: PASSION! I used to love music and the clarinet with pure passion...then it took a turn, I started to view it as my vehicle permanently out of SETX as well as my vocation. That's heaping a lot of expectations on one thing. Or at least it is in the way I process things.

I got off track there for a bit... Back to the music/sports connection: swimming being like clarinet playing. When I stopped playing the clarinet, it was because of an injury (although it brought some actual mental relief)...and over my dead f-ing body will I have to stop swimming because of an injury! I want this to be a life long love affair, so I simply swim smart.

You will kill your embouchure if you just play and play and play and play until you're tired. The same will happen if you swim like this. I set time limit (and am starting to experiment with laps) and once I'm done, I get out. I don't care if I have more left in the tank. Preserve what I have today, so I can continue to swim tomorrow.

Say that every type of stroke is like playing in a different key. You don't just play that scale once and exclaim, "HUZZAH! I have mastered Eb Major for life." Oh no, no! (And this is a lesson I learned the HARD way.) You break it down time and time again, constantly checking yourself to make sure no weird ticks have made their way into your stroke. Slur two/tongue two - isolate your arms my floating your hips with a pull buoy... All tongued - work your legs by just holding onto a kick board. Do this for every key/stroke over and over and over again.

Yesterday when I got out of the pool I wondered, "how many laps would it take to swim a mile?" 44 was the answer. I quickly calculated how many laps I'm currently swimming per workout. I quickly calculated that: 21! HOLY SHIT!!!! I'm almost swimming a 1/2 mile every time I get in the pool! I had no idea. SCORE! So I've devised a plan to get me to a mile, this is pretty much just like setting a map to learn a new piece of music.

Here's a different between music and swimming: subjectivity. The wall is where the wall is - subjective. The scale every time I get on it - not subjective. A measuring tape around my thighs when the scale isn't budging - not subjective. Grades on your juries - subjective. Compliments and thoughts after a recital - subjective. I'll never know how much of what I felt about my weight consciously or subconsciously factored into how much I hung onto others subjective decisions, no matter how well-informed or well-intended... and it doesn't matter, because when it comes to my weight loss journey; me, myself, and I are sailing this ship. I like that type of control.

One thing about swimming that I really love (and I love it as it related to clarinet playing) is the ritual aspect. Getting into all your swim gear is much like opening your case and taking out the instrument. Hoisting your body down into the pool is like opening your sheet music. You wait for all the wakes (sound) around you, exhale, inhale and glide... I start my swimming with the breast stroke. It feels most natural to me, and I feel like I'm communing with manta rays. (And we all know how much I love my mantas!) That initial stroke is so good, so centering and you know you're exactly where's you're supposed to be; just like that first long tone of the day where everything is right...your reed feels right, sounds right, and you've gotten there early enough to where there are no violins in the room next to you sawing away on Paganini Caprices.

Maybe the greatest gift that this swimming/clarinet connection has given me is some closure and some peace. I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason, but things with the clarinet still seamed unfinished. While I didn't ache to play the clarinet any longer (well, there were those 4 months where I was just a mean and angry bitch...) I missed the passion and paradoxically the structure that clarinet playing gave me: I missed my craft. If I had to loose that to gain new passion and new structure into myself, and have a new craft to hone...one that will make me HEALTHIER and in turn happier...cause hell, it's going to TOTALLY up my chances of living to being a crazy old bat... That makes ALL OF IT - since I was twelve - completely and utterly worth it. And not a thing anyone can ever say can make me feel differently.

Now to "do [my] work", I just hop in a pool instead of behind a music stand. I have a new home, I have a new fight.

Metaphorical Carrots v. 3.0 (2.0 Redux)

Sorry for the delay, darling readers...but I had a dear friend visiting Boston from SETX and the husband and I were doing what good friends do, and were playing host. I did manage to walk the entirety of the freedom trail while he was here, so there's that!

Now! Back to metaphorical carrots... Before I jump into v. 3.0 for stop, I wanted to revisit the dress from v. 2.0, you know..there on I just showed the print for...? Well, here it is ON.

Pardon my messy ass bedroom!

I'm pretty pleased with this on several front. I'm starting to look at my entire body (clothed - naked is another story) and be pleased with what I see. Not satisfied, but pleased. There's a big difference. I still have miles to go before I sleep. Also, I giggled that the bust of this dress was technically too big for me..that NEVER HAPPENS! This is I problem I could get used to! Darts be my friend! Now, before anyone gets upset about the Girls disappearing completely (a bit of a strange thing to type), not to fret! Shy of plastic surgery, I'll always be a busty lass...and I like it that way. Have you seen how gorgeous Christina Hendricks is!?!?! I've had the stripped cardigan for awhile. It didn't hit at the the lower hips before this journey began. It hit just below the waist. SCORE! Now...onto the real v. 3.0....

It makes me feel like a Cajun Mermaid...or something

I'm convinced that this swim cap has some seriously good juju or some, as I wore it for the first time yesterday and had an AMAZING swim workout!!! I've been isolating both my kicks and stroke with the help of kick boards and then pulling it all back together in hopes to refine my different strokes (freestyle, back stroke and breast stroke.) In all honestly (an all easy to do puns aside), I'm enjoy the breast stroke the most: it's like 1/2 mantra ray - 1/2 frog...total awesome!

Embracing my adult right to never make my bed!

Carrying my swim/gym gear in a rather expensive Burberry bag was getting a little excessive....even for me! So, I treated myself to this BRIGHT GREEN mesh Speedo backpack bag.  Next to black and bronze (are those even actual colors?) green is my favorite color. I've used the bag twice and it's working out great to far. Plus, I love the fact that it's an actual backpack. The balance of my shoulders thanks me. Now...if I could just find something (other than a Ziploc baggie) that's good with water and good for me to keep my toiletries in.

A couple of other things....

1) I have decided that Kashmir by Led Zeppelin is THE BET pre-swim song! Driving, yet not especially driving. In a word: "epic".

2) It's looming...the big 50 lbs. lost. I have 2.4 lbs. to go. It's GOING to happen this week. I can feel lit in my bone. I have an easy work week, which = lots of time to work out and energy to really concentrate on eating clean.

Thank is all. :-)

So This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things? (Part 1)

Because we're "fat" or "plus - sized"?!??!

Let me explain. I'm not just ranting, I promise. Something absolutely glorious and stupendous happened this past Saturday after work: I walking into Macy's and for the first time in FOURTEEN YEARS purchased an article on clothing from the "regular sizes" department!!! Now granted, they are leggings...but they were a freaking MEDIUM! Regular ladies medium. It should be known though that I chose Macy's that I knew if I really didn't need a regular ladies large like I thought I needed, I knew there was a Plus Sized section that I could go to in the store. At the moment, there are a total of 4 stores in Boston proper where I can buy plus sized clothing: Macy's, Marhsall's, Lord and Taylor (where I REFUSE to shop - another story for another time) and Saks Fifth Avenue. There used to be five...Filene's Basement when it was still in business and I would have VERY good luck there. I was so sad to see it close its doors.

But be still my beating heart!!!!! A Nordstrom Rack was opening in the very same location. I love Nordstrom! It's my very favorite of all the large department stores and I have had good luck at more than one Nordstrom Rack finding clothing in my size. I had high hopes!!! Until today.... Nordstrom Rack had a bit of a preview. I was reading on twitter about it from several bloggers... but here's what made me stop: Tashia of Hips and Hangers mentioned that there were no plus sizes to be found. What the F$CK!!??!!??!! Only four places in Boston to shop! There is a reason why my entire closed is pretty much Old Navy. You know, come to think of it I have no REALLY nice clothes. My husband - who really doesn't like clothes - has some nicer clothes than me! This is all funny because I REALLY F*CKING LOVE FASHION!

I've realized as I'm typing that this past is going to be MASSIVE POST! (And I'm wicked sleepy!) I'll give you one main reason why NOT stocking plus size clothing is just about the DUMBEST idea ever, and then cover the rest in Part 2.

Lets took it from a pure profit standpoint. There's an obesity epidemic in American, and we need to be clothed. That epidemic, sadly, is growing....and we need to be clothed. Retailers should/could be cashing in. "Fashion" just doesn't fit most of America. Do we deserve to just walk around in burlap sacks? You're not skinny, so therefor you can't have nice things? This is what my subconscious hears. I know my subconscious it a little kooky, but if mine is hearing it...there's a damned good chance that someone else's is. Upon hearing that I can't have nice things...well, that makes me depressed. Know what I like to do when I'm depressed? Eat and eat a lot. ||: More fat, less nice things, depressed, eat :|| What a cycle! My idea for part 2 is to talk about what a devastating affect this can have. You know...cause I'm all sunshine, moonbeams and sh!t! Until then (which may be awhile, because I have a friend coming to stay for a few days starting tomorrow), sweet dreams y'all

Metaphorical Carrots v 2.0

 

Sorry, but this one is a little overdue. This milestone happened sometime over two weeks ago - at the very least. Then I had to wait to have enought money...order things....have them come in.... I did have every intention of fixing my hair and doing my makeup and taking pictures, but between work, working on and life...well, that just didn't happen. So here's what you get...

I ordered a new workout outfit: the pants are too big (good problem to have), but the top is really cute!

I also ordered a new dress. It' a full size down from what I had been wearing. It'll most likely be the only dress I order in this size, as I guess it's going to be too big quite soon. Here's a picture of the print.

Another weight loss benchmark has come and gone, and I just ordered my little carrots! I'll post pictures as soon as they're delivered. Also, yet ANOTHER benchmark is looming quickly....I'm excited and anxious. It's a BIG one!!!! But more on that tomorrow.

Kathleen Needs A New Swimcap

**Uno momento: Thanks to a co-worked and Bartles and James, I am OBSESSED with Songza. Now, let's set the blogging mood: It's late Friday morning, what are we in the mood for? Music for International Woman's Day!!!! I'll take the play list Proud to be a Women. It's a DVF play list. Is that THE DVF, you know....the one who does my coveted wrap dresses? Singing *what you want...baby I got it...*

Meow, meow! Not going on my noggin. Meow!

If you haven't picked it up by now, my preferred method or working out is swimming. With the swimming breakthroughs I've had this week. I've decided I have earned a fun new swim cap. And you dear readers are going to help me pick on out! My current swim cap is plain green. Like regular ol' green. Green, by the way, is my favorite color. It goes rather well with my swimsuit.

Light green, neon-ish green and black! Very me colors. So...here are your choices.

1) Waterpro Rainbow Silicone Swimcap

2) Speedo Puzzle Me This Swimcap

3) 1Line Sports Gator Silicone Cap

I really feel as though I should get the Sporti Eggs All Over Silicone Swim Caphttp://www.swimoutlet.com/product_p/27984.htm?color=11590 for Easter time!

Now, if I just didn't give a shit, I get one of these: Sporti Davey Silicone Swim Cap or Sporti Flower Cap.

So lovely readers...which one of the first three do you think is the most me? Let me know in the comments!!!

I'm Mad At My Fat

Grumpy Cat's Mad Too!!!

Tuesday nights I go to my favorite class at the gym, Barre Blast. It's a combinations of 1/2 an hour pilates-esque workout and then 1/2 an hour ballet barre work. I understand that this isn't exactly to most cardio-centric and fat burning workout.... But hear me out 1) I swim three times a week and 2) my body isn't going to tone itself. What good is loosing all this weight is I'm still flipping and flopping about? I wanted to look just as good out of my clothes as I do in them. I know, I know....I'm super picky. I actually don't like to think of it was super picky as ultra goal oriented!

This class is super fun! The music is great: yes, I even find my musically snobbish self singing along to the Biebs while doing crunches (I know...crazy right!?!?!?) The teacher is awesome. She's like this real life version of Belle from Beauty and Beast, but with curly hair. Also, she makes Christoper Plummer references when talking about bar work. The Sound of Music in the gym?! Is this real life!!!???

I was rather proud of myself during last Tuesday's class. While I've never actually lost my turn out, getting the ab strength back to lift my legs higher is slower and steadily better. As we were cooling down and stretching while standing, I started to think how proud I was of myself, that everything was starting to get easier...my abs were getting stronger, my legs were getting higher, and I was less exhausted and sweat-tastic at the end of the class.

Now I should know by now that anytime I pat myself on the back like this, I'm pretty much guaranteeing myself that I am set up for a fall. Yep, expectations met. We went down on the floor to stretch...very "ballet style" (so, stretches I had been doing since I was very young) and Michelle Branche's Breathe starts playing (oh boy, emotional soundtrack). I realize that my body is ready to reach down to my leg, the floor...what-have-you completely... Damn it! There's something in the way! What is that!??! Oh, it's my fat! <insert a very lengthy string of unladylike f-bombs here>

At this point I'm just mad. Mad that one part of my body isn't catching up as fast as others, and is there by just f&cking pissing me off! What do I do when I can't yell when I'm pissed? (I mean, I COULD yell, but it isn't exactly socially acceptable in a group setting.) I cry. So there I am, in a full room....stretching...Michelle Brand playing...crying. I. AM. LAME!!! Luckily, I think I hid it pretty well... I think.

So I'm mad at my fat. I can't wish it, pound it, freeze-dry it, cut it without-blowing-a-years-worth-of-rent away. So there I stand: still mad at my fat. Why am I fat? Me. F#uck! There's a problem. Now I'm mad at myself. This is counterproductive. I spent my T ride home pretty much talking myself off of the ledge. Yes, I may have a lifetime of bad habits ingrained in my brain, and I could let myself get fixated on the problem and just tread water now, or I could not look back and just keep swimming, swimming, swimming. (Hey! There are a lot of good life lessons in "Finding Nemo"!) Eventually my torso WILL get down to that leg.

Surreal Swimming Sunday

We swim laps too?!? You are one CRAZY cat lady!!!!!

I've mentioned this before, but my favorite way to work out is to swim. This really should come as no surprise...I mean, I going to be a Manta Ray in my next life. No seriously, I am!

I normally try and work out Monday through Friday and rest on the weekends so I can spend more time with my husband. Sometimes though, you've gotta let life happen and make up for it later. Thursday I went out after work to help a co-worker celebrate having just taken the bar exam and well, I just think working out after drinking is a REALLY BAD IDEA! So I swam on Sunday instead.

This Sunday swimming was surreal to say the least. My thirty minutes in the pool spanned what can be best described as two very interesting unofficial "swim hours."

The first one, was most decidedly, Geriatric Hour. I mean, no one in the pool under the age of 70. They had some spunk too: complete with some pimped out swim caps! Names embroidered on one swim cap, and well as a flowers adorning another!!!!

It was AWESOME! They we all swimming laps...in every single lane. That didn't leave room for me, though I would have asked one to lane shame with me. Seriously though, you get to that age and you're still swimming...you deserve your own flippin' lane! So I waited in the hot tub for a lane to open up. Eventually one did, and I joined Geriatric Hour. *just keep swimming, swimming, swimming, swimming...*

Then enter...we'll call her Cocoa Butter Annoyance (a close cousin of Cocoa Butter Barbie, DF) Mind you, I'm at a lap pool at a gym. Not some community pool where you'll watch some rays. So you can imagine my surprise (and annoyance) when CBA show up in a hot pink string bikini. (Seriously? Buy an athletic suit. Please readers...I don't care how skinny and in shape I become, DO NOT let me get in a pool to swim wearing a string bikini. PROMISE ME!) Sigh. I stop swimming for awhile to catch my breath and I realize that CBA is looking around for the controller to the hot tub. I very politely say, "oh it's right behind you, but it's pretty small - really easy to overlook." I was thanked in the most snarky tone. Back to swimming I go.....

Then I see out of the corner of my eye, CBA swimming....1) without a swim cap so the blond locks are a flowin' and 2) doing the weird prissy girl "I won't put my face in the water" swim. What the hell!?!?!? I think to myself (this is the part where I get pretty judgey...), "GREAT. Those are probably extension in her hair and somehow one is going to dislodge, wrap themselves around my ankles and I'm going to drown in five feet of water." CBA swimming one full lap and then gets out, what the hell just happened? Wait...did I just devote to paragraphs of typing to her...?

I then look around and realize that it is no longer Geriatric Hour, but 40-Something Male With Testosterone To Burn Hour. Freaking weird energy going on in the room, it's hard to really pin point. I got left alone, but how they interacted with one another was odd...and a little too aggressive for just swimming laps. Soon my thirty minutes I wanted to swim were over, and I ended up sharing my hot tub time with a man that looked like a grey haired Jesus wearing day-glow swim trunks. AWESOME!

In other swimming news: 1) During that swim, I think I've found my breast stroke. I'll test it out again when I'm rested at the beginning of my next swim. 2) I've set a goal for myself to properly and efficiently be able to do the butterfly this time next year.

Skinny Fashion Wish List

*Side note before we get started: I'm a little frustrated. Monday is official "Get Your Weight For The Week Day"& I only lost 0.4 pounds. Granted it's a net loss, but I'm still frustrated. The past three weeks have seen anywhere between 2-4 pounds lost. Perhaps this was just a rest week for my body. I was always under my calories and I worked out for five days, however....I didn't eat the best this week and drank more alcohol than on a normal week. So there's that. Perhaps I'm just gaining muscle. This delightful paradox I can deal with. Whatever it is, it's a marathon & not a sprint...now, on to fashion!

As a lass who loves fashion (turn to the left) A LOT, it's fun for me to day dream about what clothes I'll go for once the weight is off. So I decided to compile a little list....you know 1) so I don't forget and 2) you can see if there's anything I'm missing. Fashion is fun! (So I love this post, A LOT!) In less than a year, these things WILL be on my body.

1) DVF Wrap Dress - In every makeover show I've ever watched, I've heard these words: "Wrap dresses flatter a fuller chest." OK, to a point...but Toto, I don't think I'm in "fuller" land anymore, so there will be this big moment of glee when I am just "fuller" chested. To celebrate, why not go with the wrap dress of all wrap dresses, a DVF!

2) Leather/Pleather Leggings - Maybe there's a rocker chic on the inside just dying to get out, I don't know. I think the idea of leather/pleather leggings with a flow tank and blazer to be impossibly chic. I have relatively good legs for my size and have been really working to tone as a go during my weight loss. So, in my brain...by the time I'm done they'll be smokin' in some leather/pleather leggings. Perhaps even redefining my "Tights Are Not Pants" stance. (!!!!????)

3) Killer Heels - Granted, there's nothing size wise keeping my from wearing crazy-insane high heels, but at my current weight, it's just not comfortable. Plus, my boobs TOTALLY throw off my balance. I know, I know..."suffer to be beautiful" but I even have my place where I draw the line. If any of my readers want to start a fund and by some Charlotte Olympia bird cage heels for me, I would not protest!

4) Tall Boots - My "good" legs aren't really slender legs yet. I yearn for the days when I calves will allow me a too the knee or even over the knee CFM boots! (You figure out the acronym!) Also, I purchased a pair of the short Hunter boots in orange this season, and they have already paid for themselves with how much ware I've gotten out of them already. Wouldn't it be great to get them some friends....say the original height hunter green Hunters?

5) Maxi Shirts (or skirts in general) - Right now the smallest part of my body isn't my waist...not by a long shot, it's right under my boobs. So, while empire waisted tops and dresses give me a rather 60's bombshell silhouette (minus the torturous underpinnings), skirts on me right now are frump, frump, frump. I especially love the diaphanous chiffon ones. Currently I really don't go for diaphanous anything, structure and targeted draping is the name of the game. I look forward to diaphanous and accentuating my ever whittling waist.

6) Sleeveless Anything - My arms were actually my first body part I came to dislike. As soon as High School was over, and I quit twirling the flab started to set in. Turns out, twirling was just like a very un-perverse shake weight with dance elements attached. I never wear sleeveless. Correction: I never wear sleeveless without a cardigan over them. But come on, how cute is this....(?)

 

7) Properly Fitting Button Down Shirt - From a style standpoint, I have no overwhelming urge to rock the button down. This one is on shear principle of the thing, plus - I guess it IS a staple that every woman should have in her wardrobe.  I was having this conversation with a co-worker the other night...to have a button down properly fit all over, not have to close any between button gaps with a safety pin or wear a cami underneath.... that would be sweet, sweet victory!

OK readers. Is there anything I missed? Let me know in the comments!

Small Victories v 2.0

Today I had an appointment with my GP. My blood pressure was taken....122/84. Normal as normal can be. After stubbornly flirting to encroaching upon "high", this is a small victory that REALLY matters.