|Disclaimer: In no way do I think, nor do I ever think I'll ever be as skinny as Mary Kate or Ashley|
My body is changing for the better, and for this I am absolutely ecstatic! However the clothing thing comes with mixed emotions. I attach emotions to my clothes. Pull just about anything I own out of my closet (better yet strewn about my bedroom) and I can tell you at least one good thing and one bad thing that happened to me while wearing said garment. Oh opposite poles of my life...how you love kicking me around a little bit. At least there in consistency in that....
I realize this is silly. I should be thrilled that I'm chucking some Big Girl clothes to the curb. Trust me I am. Maybe the bit of clinging backwards is in the end going to help me from turning into an insufferable Skinny Bitch (which - trust me - I can see myself going there if I don't constantly keep myself in check). In my post-Conservatory couple of years, I've taken great pride in my clothing choices and making the most of what I've got in both body and clothes. I finally started actually caring again. I had to find that place of self love and a breaths worth of self acceptance so I could move forward with my weight loss in a positive manner.
Then there's the disbelief. I KNOW that the scale's going down, I KNOW that I can see the changes in my body (and know that my boobs are shape shifting, it's REALLY real)! I don't really feel like I've given up all that much to warrant the changes that I'm seeing in my body. I'm the big girl, the fat chick. Things like this don't happen to me. I'm funny and I'm kinda and anything you see externally is merely smoke is mirrors. This is how I see myself and is exactly how I think the rest of the world sees me. I understand that the internal is way more important than the external.
Maybe it feels like I'm putting so little work in on the external is that I know I've put OVER double that on the internal to even get to this point! (There's a reason that sentence gets its' own paragraph!)
So yeah, I'm in disbelief. With the trajectory I'm going on...I guess I better embrace that emotion or find a new one to channel that disbelief into. Perhaps a health sense of pride.
In the time in between, I HAVE to clean out my closet! It's time to get rid of the Hobo-Olsen clothes. I have plans do this on Saturday after I get home from work in the early afternoon. I'll have my husband there to help with any of my second guessing. He will judge with out my projected type of emotion, "ummm, they're clothes"...or something like that will be his response.
Yet, I'm still confused. Just HOW baggy do the clothes need to be in order for me to get rid of them? I'm scared I'll be left with about ten pieces of clothing, and when you do laundry every two week (city dweller, there's not laundry in our apartment!) this turns into a BIG problem! I just can't go buy a new wardrobe every time I drop a size, we wouldn't be able to make rent!!!! (More on this tomorrow as I talk about the business of getting skinny.)
But for now: 1) I will be going through my clothes in a few days, I'm expecting there to be tears of both joy and disbelief as well as just sheer emotion. 2) I will be donating them. There actually is a need for Plus Sized women's donations, so I feel REALLY good about doing this! Thanks to a suggestion of a co-worker, I'll most likely be donating them to Boomerangs out in Jamaica Plain that benefits AIDS Action Committee. If anyone else has some other worthy places I should donate, please tell me in the comments. I'm sure this won't be the only time I'm donating.