Picture Pages

Since I have a thing against posting numbers (I'll talk more about that in another post), I thought I'd ease into things by posting pictures. So...I'll let the visuals do the lion's share of the talking....

Before: This was taken the day before I moved to Boston. Looking at this now, I think I'm heavier than I was when I first started counting calories on Loose It. I had to have lost SOME weight carting my clarinets all over Boston by foot.

A little while ago: This was taken on Christmas Eve.

Now: As in yesterday. Can't believe I'm allowing myself to be photographed in a winter white cardigan. Progress y'all!

Goal: This was my Freshman year of High School. I distinctly remember this dress was a size 11. I would love to be this size again, but with a BIT more of a womanly shape.

The Business of Loosing Weight

Yesterday I talked about suddenly finding myself in Hobo-Olsen clothes (i.e. needing to buy new clothes because the majority of my current clothes don't fit properly). Sadly clothes don't grow on trees, and this proposition takes money. Yet this isn't the only dollars and sense aspect of loosing weight; so today we'll be talking dollars and sense.

Maybe me "complaining" about weight-loss money woes is like kicking a gift horse in the mouth, but it's an actual cause of anxiety in my life right now. Al and I aren't exactly destitute money-wise, nor are we exactly flush. This is also MY decision and MY health, so in the quest of fairness, I want it to encroach on Al's finances as little as possible. (It just works for us to keep a part of our finances separate.)

Here's how it breaks down, although I don't have many specifics:
1) Gym Membership - $89 (I know what you're saying, "that's HELLA expensive for a gym membership!" My counter: IT. HAS. A. POOL!!!! I'm actually EXCITED to go to the gym on the days that I swim. Plus is it equidistant between my work and apartment. It's the best option for me to get my getting-ever-so-slightly-less-fat ass into the gym.)

2) Healthy Foods - Kinda hard to put a price tag on that one. Al takes the majority of the responsibility of healthy dinners. However, I'm not always at HOME for dinner. When I'm out and about for work, I'm on my own. Sometimes the time I get for dinner break is 15, because I'm NOT down with eating  dinner at 10 pm. NO BUENO!

3) Weight Loss Rewards - This varies as well. Approximately $100 for every 10 pounds lost and up to $50 for every 5 pounds in between. I understand that this is not a necessity, but this little carrot is really working for me.

4) Personal Trainer - This is something I know I can't afford at the moment, but really want to. Once I used up my two free personal trainer sessions with my gym membership, I was at the point to where I have to pay for the sessions. For one session a week, I would be pretty much what I charge per hour for a private clarinet lesson, but you have to pay for them by the month in advance. Something that is just not in the financial cards at the moment. Now, if there's anyone reading this that wants to be my Fairy Godmother / Godfather and pay for this...shoot me an email.

5) Properly Fitting Clothes - This is the newest one that kinda hit my like a big ole anxiety brick. My clothes - it kinda feels like overnight - went from baggy to hobo. I SHOULD be thrilled and I AM thrilled, but at the same time the prospect of replacing them....but.... How I am going to afford this? How do I budget for this? It's not like I can map out the exact pay period when I'm due to drop a dress size and jockey to pick up a few extra shifts.

This one's hard, because right after the extreme health benefits of loosing weight and the self esteem I HOPE I'm going to gain is the the clothes. I LOVE fashion! I think it's a true art form, and it has truly hurt that for my entire adult life I haven't directly been able to participate in my fashion obsession with the exception of accessories (and trust me, I've done a great job with that)!

I'm scared I'll have to wear the same dress over and over and over again. How much do I try to buy during the in between sizes? I want to be thrilled that I'm in smaller dress sizes, but right now it's not so thrilling, just anxiety ridden.

Am I doing and feeling this all wrong? Am I missing something?

Should I "punish" myself by making myself wear baggy clothes. After all, I'm still fat...I'm not nearly at a healthy size or my goal weight. Why do I deserve the new clothes? Will the baggy clothes shame me into working harder? Is that the answer?

That sounds a little mean, but it's an option.

Perhaps I'm not giving up enough.

Al and I could stop meals out all together. I could quit going out with my friends. No more hair cuts. No more manicures. No more green tea lattes to make sure I'm nice and happy at work (I normally get those for free thought...). No more margaritas (and those are worth every single stinking calorie).

That would basically mean work, gym, home.

That would basically mean no more life.

That would breed resentment. BIG TIME! Perhaps I don't WANT the weight loss and the new clothes enough, I don't know. What I do want is BALANCE. Something that I've worked really hard to achieve, something that I don't want to loose no matter how much I want the weight off and want the new clothes, because in the end it will just breed resentment.

There are no easy answers. Maybe there are, and I'm just overlooking them. Lovely readers, if you have any suggestions or solutions, please tell me in the comments. In the mean time...I'm be looking on my doorstep for a big bag of cash.

Slowly Turning Into A Hobo / How I Embraced The Olsen Twin Look

Disclaimer: In no way do I think, nor do I ever think I'll ever be as skinny as Mary Kate or Ashley

(I have to say they have been dressing less hobo-licious since their high end line The Row has taken off.) I'd say that half (maybe three quarters) of my clothes fit poorly. I'm now down to one work dress fits properly. Now granted, I have three of the same dress in the same size, so at least I'll come across as clean!

My body is changing for the better, and for this I am absolutely ecstatic! However the clothing thing comes with mixed emotions. I attach emotions to my clothes. Pull just about anything I own out of  my closet (better yet strewn about my bedroom) and I can tell you at least one good thing and one bad thing that happened to me while wearing said garment. Oh opposite poles of my life...how you love kicking me around a little bit. At least there in consistency in that....

I realize this is silly. I should be thrilled that I'm chucking some Big Girl clothes to the curb. Trust me I am. Maybe the bit of clinging backwards is in the end going to help me from turning into an insufferable Skinny Bitch (which - trust me - I can see myself going there if I don't constantly keep myself in check). In my post-Conservatory couple of years, I've taken great pride in my clothing choices and making the most of what I've got in both body and clothes. I finally started actually caring again. I had to find that place of self love and a breaths worth of self acceptance so I could move forward with my weight loss in a positive manner.

Then there's the disbelief. I KNOW that the scale's going down, I KNOW that I can see the changes in my body (and know that my boobs are shape shifting, it's REALLY real)! I don't really feel like I've given up all that much to warrant the changes that I'm seeing in my body. I'm the big girl, the fat chick. Things like this don't happen to me. I'm funny and I'm kinda and anything you see externally is merely smoke is mirrors. This is how I see myself and is exactly how I think the rest of the world sees me. I understand that the internal is way more important than the external.

Maybe it feels like I'm putting so little work in on the external is that I know I've put OVER double that on the internal to even get to this point! (There's a reason that sentence gets its' own paragraph!)

So yeah, I'm in disbelief. With the trajectory I'm going on...I guess I better embrace that emotion or find a new one to channel that disbelief into. Perhaps a health sense of pride.

In the time in between, I HAVE to clean out my closet! It's time to get rid of the Hobo-Olsen clothes. I have plans do this on Saturday after I get home from work in the early afternoon. I'll have my husband there to help with any of my second guessing. He will judge with out my projected type of emotion, "ummm, they're clothes"...or something like that will be his response.

Yet, I'm still confused. Just HOW baggy do the clothes need to be in order for me to get rid of them? I'm scared I'll be left with about ten pieces of clothing, and when you do laundry every two week (city dweller, there's not laundry in our apartment!) this turns into a BIG problem! I just can't go buy a new wardrobe every time I drop a size, we wouldn't be able to make rent!!!! (More on this tomorrow as I talk about the business of getting skinny.)

But for now: 1) I will be going through my clothes in a few days, I'm expecting there to be tears of both joy and disbelief as well as just sheer emotion. 2) I will be donating them. There actually is a need for Plus Sized women's donations, so I feel REALLY good about doing this! Thanks to a suggestion of a co-worker, I'll most likely be donating them to Boomerangs out in Jamaica Plain that benefits AIDS Action Committee. If anyone else has some other worthy places I should donate, please tell me in the comments. I'm sure this won't be the only time I'm donating.

Metaphorical Carrots v 1.0

I like carrots. I like carrots a lot. So much so that two things happened when I was younger, 1) my mother made a "rule" that I had to brush the carrots that I had just pulled from the earth on my pants before I ate them and 2) my nose turned orange from all the beta carotene.

But these are not the carrots I'm speaking of. Today I'm talking about metaphorical carrots; reward carrots if you will. I know that by loosing weight and getting healthier I am giving myself a great gift and and of itself, but let's face it...I'm putting in some hard ass work! So to reward myself I have set up a reward structure of gifts to give myself for the weight loss milestones I hit. I have it set up to when I hit one of the 0's, it's a big gift and when I hit one of the 5's in between, it's a smaller gift. Since I've been doing this reward structure, I've bought two weight-loss rewards and just ordered the latest. Here's what I've gotten so far (clearly I've been on a Kendra Scott kick):

First Reward

Second Reward

The idea I've had behind these rewards is a) it give me something else to work for - because let's face it, abstract ideas can get tiresome after a while & I'm in it for the long haul, b) I can always looks down at them when I'm wearing and/or using them & think about all my hard work and what I've accomplished, and c) I like pretty new things, so there!

Sometimes I won't be able to buy these the day I hit the weight mark, because I've decided to pay for all my rewards with my own money. Just as I'm paying for my gym membership. My health is a gift I'm giving myself so it just makes sense that I gift myself my own rewards gifts.

You my have noticed that this post is a version 1.0 post. Every I get a new weight loss reward in, I'll photograph a picture of it and do a blog post. Get used to the carrot/bunny meme! ;-)

I've got just about everything picket out for the 10's, but still have some unfilled spots for the 5's. Got any ideas? Tell me in the comments.

Such A Pretty Fat

I WILL punch someone the next time this is said to me or someone within earshot of me, "But you have such a pretty face..." (And those are some LOADED dots, btw!) FUCK YOU!!!

Why don't you just say this, "You know, it's a shame that you're fat - but your face saves you. At least you have that." It'd be more honest.

You know why my face saves me?!? That's ME! That where my soul radiates from. The soul... That thing on the inside where all the (hopefully) good stuff is... The stuff that matters...

Yes. I am aware that I sound bitter. I sound bitter because it's mean. I sound bitter because it's bullying. It's a compliment wrapped in sheep's clothing. It is bullshit!!!

I've been made fun of directly/indirectly for my size for a very long time. It's gotten less mean as I've gotten older, but I was still made fun of for the size of my breasts during undergrad. Funny some people the ribbing actually came from...

Men of the world here's a tip: before you publicly make fun/cracks of the size of a ladies breasts (either way on the size spectrum), take a second and think if she were to do the same thing about your junk.

"But you have such a pretty face!" Those words get stuck in my head. Is the person saying them loading them with implication, or is it me?

It really doesn't matter either way, because it hurts. It weights on my soul. I can do one of two things. I have the choice. This is my body. I can let it crush me or I can let it transport me to a place of no more.

A choice that I alone make.

I will no longer be the Big Girl. I will use common sense, will power, determination, and self love to change that.

Right now, I AM Pretty Fat.

Then I'll be Pretty Pudgy....

Then I'll be Pretty Could I Just Loose Those Last Fucking 20 Pounds...

Then I'll be Pretty Healthy..

All the while being exactly who I  am on the inside; a woman I have grown to love.

Small Victories v 1.0

This was an idea I got from James (of Bartles & James fame - more on that in another post). It came from a LoseIt sub-group on Reddit.  It's just a little way to share small victories whatever they may be on your weight loss journey. I'll be sharing these every once and a while. For v 1.0, I have four.

 1) I work at a place where I'm required to wear an apron.  It's made of a rather heavy fabric do when it drapes off my boobs and ties in the back it's VERY unflattering and makes me look like a human tent. I know I had been loosing weight on the day I could tie it the "skinny way" (self named), where you wrap the ties around the back and back to the front with a tie there.

2) My engagement ring is now now too loose for me to wear. I've put it aside for safe keeping. My wedding band is next! I'll just have to find something temporary to wear until I've reached my goal. Ooooh! Shopping!

3) When riding in cabs in NYC this past weekend visiting Bartles and James with the husband, I found myself on the street side of the cab. Instead of the exhausting three or four but skootches, it was one booty scooooooch and a swing of the legs and I was out of the cab!

4) Today (Wednesday) I noticed that there are two spots up on upper abdomen that have no fat I can feel. Just skin and muscle. No more squidgy. Does that mean I have a 2-pack?

Ladies Locker Room

Disclaimer 1: There's a lot of talk of nudity and boobs in this one. So if you want to shy away of nudity and boobs, just run away Monty Python style. But seriously, who isn't interested in nudity and boobs?!!?

Disclaimer 2: I tend to curse a lot. My inner monologue, even more. Sorry Mom.

I think finding pictures of cute animals "working out" may become a new past time of mine.

"Shit! How many towels am I supposed to take? I don't want to look like a looser who doesn't know what she's doing. No! The key to pulling this off is absolutely confidence!!" I had JUST walked into the gym and it had already started. It continued, "Just be cool, hang back & figure it out. Look, she took two towels and she's tiny. FUCK! No, Kathleen...you cannot have three towels, do you want to look like a freak? NO! No you don't. Take the two damn towels and get on with it!"

Yes. I do realize that I'm being mean to myself. OK really mean to myself. I had reasons, I had to practice a little tough love because two things were happening that were both diametrically opposed on my "Things That Are Awesome Meter" - swimming (love) & completely changing in the ladies locker room (dread).

The reason I joined the gym I did was because of the pool, that and it's on the train line smack dab between my apartment and my place of employment. I LOVE to swim. It makes me feel really good about myself (while I'm in the water). I was the child who you wouldn't get out of the pool after swimming lessons. I think I might have enjoying picking out a new swimsuit for the first day of swimming lessons more than picking out a new outfit for the first day of school. Where the Hell did that girl go? I mean, I like my bathing suit fine. It's green and black and keeps the girls locked and loaded; which is all I need. Oh wait! That girl's still there, she's just hidden under blankets of fat - but she shall emerge again, like a phoenix rising from the ash.

So... I need to get into the pool, in my bathing suit...I'm currently wearing my work clothes...that mean horror of horrors: CHANGING COMPLETELY DOWN TO NOTHING IN THE LADIES LOCKER ROOM! I almost think I'd rather change in the men's locker room.... No scratch that! That's terrifying still, but I think less terrifying that women, I'll explain later. What I want, is for me to be able to change in a locker room full of gay men. They'd tell me how fierce my shoes were and how fabulous my boobs are. SOLUTION FOUND!

But I live in the real world. In my brain, I have conjured the the reality that all women that I don't actually know are judgmental, like Mean Girls style. I even had an image of where in the movie they turn the cafeteria in the African Jungle...but ladies locker room instead of HS cafeteria.

And it begins.... change down to nothing, quickly...but not so quickly as things start to unnecessarily flop about...on w/ the sports bra...on w/ the swimsuit..struggle to get the clasp clasped...SHIT FUCK DAMN, it's not working...looking around for someone with clothes on to help (cause the alternative is just awkward)...OK that's done...grab towel...goggles...swim cap...I don't really need my flip flops do I?....and we're off the shower...*water, water, water*....off the the pool we go...

WHAT. THE. FUCK!?!?!?!?!?!? There is this apparent walk of terror between the ladies locker room and the pool. There is a walkway that has a glass wall that shower the big weight machines where all the muscle-y men are. Wait a second...they are probably WAY more absorbed in what they're doing and how they look while doing it to notice not-so-little ol' me...walk to the pool, swiiiiiiiim for 20 minutes straight (not too shabby)...hot tub time...hey! the attractive man with the cool tattoos was just nice to me...it must be that a) I'm not all that terrible or b) it's just cause all he can see it my boobs...whatever!...back to the ladies locker room: Land of Self Imagined Judgment.

Grab gym bag from locker....go shower...FUCK!! I'm really naked! I should've gotten that third towel...are the towels that small or am I that big...I settle on a combination of the both...hey look! my long (so long it covers all my bits bobs tank top to the point I feel comfortable wearing it with leggings) tank top fell into my gym bag...traipsing around almost naked is better than traipsing around completely naked...this is the part where I begin to think, "You know...I should blog about these experiences...." aaaaaand....

SLIDE. SLIP. SPLAT. OUCH!!!!!

There are two patches of tile floor that don't have the little protective netting that PROTECT YOU FROM SLIPPING before you get to the carpeted area. Guess I didn't need flip flops. Fucking great idea Kathleen. NEVER AGAIN! To add insult to injury, Little Ms. Perfect was there to help me up. Like...tall, lifted booty, boobs neither too big or small, blond hair, really white teeth. Universe...you enjoy fucking with me, don't you!?!

So naturally, I do the only think I know how to do in such a situation: laugh inappropriately loud...for five minutes. This is the entire time it takes me to get dressed. But here's the good news. I think it really cured me of my fear of ladies lockers room. The only thing worse, would be me slipping completely naked. Lesson learned.

It's My Blog and I Can Change if I Want To

Cue the Lesley Gore. You know how it goes...so don't even try and pretend that you don't. The cool thing about having your own blog is it can be about whatever the hell you want! The great thing about life: it changes. Some people hate change, I love it. This isn't to say that I haven't responded to change in less than healthy ways in the past. This doesn't diminish the fact that "the only constant in the world is change,"...and I f-ing love it!!!!

So, my beloved readers, No Disassemble Charlie No. 5 is going to be taking a turn from perfume to my weight loss journey looking at it from a diet, fitness, emotional, and humorous perspective. Oh yes, and don't forget about the clothes....there will be new clothes! (I'm not stopping until I can fit into some of my designer favs. - well, my boobs might literally get in the way there, but we really don't know what my body will do, time will tell....)

As of yesterday, I've lost 40 lbs in the past year and 20 pounds since Thanksgiving, 20. Mind you, that with Christmas plus one wine fueled long weekend in the Berkshires with Dear Friend. Two weeks ago I joined a gym (Commonwealth Sports Club - super convenient, right off the T at the half way point between home and work) to kick things up to the next level.

40 pounds is a BFD, ya'll! Some days I look at myself in the mirror and I just don't see it. Granted, I look at myself every day...naked...metaphorical warts and all.... But then on some days I can really feel my upper abdomen getting smaller, my thighs are a little less jiggly, or...holy of holys...my boobs are lighter. (I'm going to talk about the Girls a lot, so get used to it. "They're called boobs, Ed.") My breasts and I have a rather Rose/Gypsy type of relationship. Very complicated.

Many, many thanks to Bartles and James for showing us the great app, LooseIt, for our phones! This helps me keep track of what I'm eating and how much I'm exercises. If I'm going to really do something, I like it all organized and spread out in front of me to know all the information. As a former teacher once told me, "Kathleen, you have mobiles of organization going on in there!" (Now, if it's not super important....in a pile on the bedroom floor it goes!

I always read that people "struggled with their weight." I never felt that I was struggling, because I was in complete denial. If I don't think about it, it's not real. I'm not STUPID, I knew how big I had gotten. I have eyes, and I'm a pretty critical person. I was my own Pink Elephant. Fuck that, my elephant was FABULOUS, it was hunter green velvet, but it was a pink velvet.

Here's when everything changed.... Somewhere in mid-November I started having pretty bad heartburn. Rational brain said, "Kathleen - it's heartburn." No Wire Hangers Ever brain said, "You fat slop, you don't take care of yourself and you know it! You're about to have a heat attack! " So...logically, I got thee to the my GP! Nothing was wrong with me, save the heartburn. I was given the go ahead to go...loose weight, exercise, and quite freaking out.

So the day after Thanksgiving I started using LooseIt again. I know myself well enough to where if I try to just cannon ball into the waters of change and go full bore, I'll drown. I maturely decided to put on my metaphorical water wings and wade out in the waters of change that way.

So there we are. I'm happy with the journey that I'm on right now. Most days...the other days I don't want to work out and I want to eat the ENTIRE bags of SweetTarts. These things I love, but what I love more is me and my life. That needs to last as long as it possible can; and the fun adventures from being more physically fit and the gorgeous clothes I'm able to fit in are icing of the cake of life.