Wednesday, October 23, 2013

On Setbacks and Being Human

What? You mean I'm actually human!?!?! What!?!?! But I digress....it's been a little over two months since my last NDC#5 entry & I apologize. Perhaps this entry will explain some of that.



Damn it! You mean I'm NOT super human. Well, damn....

Life has been lately, to put it mild, harried. Sometimes life just gets like that I get it. However, when it affects my weight loss journey, I've got to write about it here. I also feel that it's important for me to talk about it here because so far my weight loss journey has been full of successes. I guess I was a bit naive to think that I wasn't going to have any set backs. I mean seriously, self...you've lived through enough life to know if you've been doing something seriously for almost a year, there's GOING to be some sort of set back. Thank you life for reminding me that even how one handles life is a work in progress.

The past two months have been a bit of a whirlwind for me. Starting back to school has been both a joy and an enormous stresser, but more on that later...I'm trying my damnedest to be concise and topical.

During this whirlwind of stress, I stopped logging my food on LoseIt. OK, fine. I was doing pretty good at keeping my weight at a standstill. I wasn't loosing but I wasn't gaining. This I could live with for the time being. So onward I trudged, life would get better. This currently wasn't the number one concern in my life at the moment, I could deal.

Then life didn't relent, I started to get exhausted. I looked at all the things in my life that could give a bit, I chose my work out routine. I went from working out from 5-6 times a week to MAYBE 2. This was a mistake. Not only did it affect me physically, it also affected me mentally. For me, swimming is better than therapy, and cutting down on my time in the pool was now adversely affecting me

Then I stepped on the scale last Friday. 7 pounds gained. F%CK!! Are you kidding me life!?!?! I gritted my teeth and tried to breathe. Breathing wasn't working. I was trying to cut myself some slack, but I did was feel like a lazy sack of sh$t. Great. Awesome. Lovely. What's that? Oh...it's symptoms of depression just knocking on my souls door.

Even though I know that I deal with depression, and other things, and feelings of complete inadequacy....even though I know that it's part of my truth, I CONTINUE to feel like a complete...I don't know what the word is exactly...everything I could say seams much too much cliche.

My name is Kathleen and I am human.

UGH! That statement makes me shutter.

I don't want to be human, I was to be extraordinary.

What do I find these two things to be mutually exclusive?

Back to less esoteric things.

After stepping on the scale and seeing that 7 pound gain, I vowed to get back to working out 5-6 times a week again. Since Friday, 4 pounds have managed to melt off. I also know I need to cut it on the comport eating.

Are these sort of gaining setbacks "normal"? I mean, I really detest the word "normal", but I can't think of a better word for this case? "Customary"?

I know that in the end, I'm just stewing in things right now. I'm also really, really, REALLY tired. Luckily, I've been given the opportunity to rest today, so that should be somewhat better.

There has to be a lesson in this, for both me and for those that read my blog. I know that in the midst of good work, there can be lulls and there can be setbacks. The point is that you get out of them. I KNOW this. I'm not naive, I'm not out of touch with reality. Maybe I just want the time to feel a little sorry for myself. That's OK too. Yet I'll still fight as to not let myself fall into a full fledged depression. That turns into a real battle then.The good thing is I have excellent resources in place.

Maybe being human isn't all that bad. That's what we are all after all. I'm pretty sure I CAN be both human and extraordinary.

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